Clutter Affects Him Too: The Silent Weight We Don’t Often Talk About

This month, in honor of celebrating Father's day, I posted on social media about a conversation with my dad that inspired me to dig a little deeper into something I’ve not really talked about: How men silently experience the stress of clutter.

We often talk about how it affects moms. How it impacts women with ADHD. How it ties into emotional overwhelm and mental health. And all of that is so important. But men? They’re often left out of the conversation. When men struggle with clutter, it’s rarely seen as emotional. It’s usually chalked up to disorganization or disinterest. But men do feel the weight of clutter. They just don’t always have the words to say it. Instead of saying “I’m overwhelmed,” they keep drawers full of parts “just in case”, fill garages with backup tools or forgotten hobbies, and avoid the clutter altogether and silently carry the guilt.

That talk with my dad made me realize: even when it’s not spoken, clutter does overwhelm him and sometimes even frustrates him if he can't find what he's look for easily. The research agrees. Clutter impacts men, too. Researchers found that clutter raises cortisol (the stress hormone) in families. And while women were more likely to verbalize stress, men experienced physiological stress as well; they just didn’t always identify clutter as the cause.

It is also found that men often tie clutter to usefulness and identity. They’re not always necessarily sentimental about stuff, but they struggle to part with things that might be “needed” someday. Societal masculinity norms discourage emotional expression, which can cause men to internalize stress without naming it. That includes the emotional toll of clutter. Clutter is often tied to fear and for some men that's the fear of failure, the fear of not being prepared, or the fear of being useless. Those fears often show up in piles of stuff they don’t know how to release.

Here's the thing about clutter. Sometimes it's passed down, too. And that's where my conversations with men usually center around. Many men don’t just collect clutter, they inherit it. Be it tools from their father, boxes their grandfather told them never to throw out, prized items from their mother and cherished memories from their grandmother, letting go of those things can feel like disrespecting a legacy. Often it’s more than just “stuff.” It’s memory and identity. Another aspect to consider is that as men age or go through life transitions like retirement, losing a partner, or becoming empty nesters, clutter can become a form of holding on for them, too. They may not say it, but the clutter might be holding could be a version of themselves they miss, a skillset they no longer use, or a purpose they’re afraid they're losing.

It’s easy to assume that if a man ignores the clutter, he just doesn’t care. But many men are also living with ADHD, burnout, or trauma they’ve just never been taught how to talk about it, let alone ask for help. So in reality, it’s not the absence of stress. It’s a way of surviving it.

Clutter can often create quiet tension in relationships especially when one person sees it as chaos, and the other sees it as “no big deal.” When I first asked my dad about the stuff he's kept over the years in the garage and the clutter it's built, he said he's able to walk past it and not pay much attention to it. But when I pressed a bit, that's when he admitted that it can be frustrating when he can't find things he's looking for. Women tend to notice clutter faster and feel emotionally triggered. Men, however, may not register it the same way or are able to tune it out or compartmentalize. And that gap in perception can lead to resentment if we don't talk about it with compassion. (My husband will really love this!)

So how do we do that? We start with empathy.

We stop saying:

• “Why are you keeping all this junk?”

• “You never help with the house!”

• “You just don’t care."

  
  

  And we try saying:

• “Is there a reason you’re holding onto this?”

• “Would it feel like a loss to let it go?”

• “Would it help if we had support to release this?”

When men feel safe enough to be seen without being judged, real change becomes possible.

Now I want to be clear that this is not about stereotypes. Not all men hold onto clutter. Not all women are overwhelmed by it. I've worked with enough clients to learn this. But we’ve spent a lot of time centering clutter as her burden. And it’s time we changed the conversation. Because sometimes the mess isn’t just physical. It’s emotional. And it lives in the quiet corners of our lives. Men might not say it out loud. But they’re carrying it, too.

If we want to help the men in our lives release the clutter that’s been building up for years, we have to first release the assumption that they don’t care. Because some of them do. They’ve just been taught not to show it. And sometimes, the most meaningful thing we can clear… is the silence. Because clutter doesn’t just affect her. It affects him, too.

Sources:

• Life at Home in the 21st Century – UCLA Center on Everyday Lives of Families (CELF Study)

• Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things by Randy Frost & Gail Steketee

• The Journal of Men’s Studies

• Why People Hold Onto Stuff – Psychology Today article by Marcia Sloman

• It’s Science: Clutter Can Actually Give You Anxiety – Motherly

• A Clean, Well-Lighted Place – Stanford BeWells